“Do you want to get well?” a familiar voice whispered inside my heart.
“Yes, of course!” I answered with easy certainty. I was in desperate need of inner healing. This question seemed utterly absurd to me.
If you have read my previous posts you’ll know a bit about my journey and why I was feeling so brokenhearted. If not, click here to read my story. During my pursuit of inner healing, I came to a pause. I felt stuck, sad, frustrated, and just plain old broken despite all the effort I was putting in.
When Jesus asked me if I wanted to get well, He reminded me of a time He asked a paraplegic who was desperate for healing the same question.
Soon another Feast came around and Jesus was back in Jerusalem. Near the Sheep Gate in Jerusalem, there was a pool, in Hebrew called Bethesda, with five alcoves. Hundreds of sick people—blind, crippled, paralyzed—were in these alcoves. One man had been an invalid there for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him stretched out by the pool and knew how long he had been there, he said, “Do you want to get well?”
What a silly question. Who doesn’t want to get well?
Not fair
Jesus knew that this man had been paralyzed for 38 years. He also knew how long he had been sitting by the pool “seeking” healing. Nonetheless, Jesus asks him if he wants to be well?!
I felt offended hearing this question in my heart. Moreover, I would assume the man at the pool felt more offended than I did. I decided to give myself some time, space, and honesty to digest such a question. After journaling my thoughts on the matter and talking to Holy Spirit, I finally came to my conclusion.
Evidently, deep down inside I actually didn’t want to get well… what!? It was a strange realization since healing was all I thought I’d sought for the past few months. Jesus gave me a glimpse into the part of my heart I was ignoring.
In true honesty with myself, I realized that the thought of Jesus healing my heart and fixing my marriage actually made me mad. Furthermore, it made me want to lock the door Jesus was knocking on. You see, to me it didn’t seem fair that after the brokenness Craig caused me, he would still get a healthy wife and a thriving marriage.
I knew Jesus could fix us but I wasn’t sure I wanted him to. Craig was willing to do all it took on his side in order to have a thriving marriage, but I was not so willing. I started to let bitterness creep in. It just wasn’t fair. I wanted Craig to suffer the way I was suffering. I was so angry. I wanted Craig to experience the pain his choices brought on me.
Growing bitterness
As messed up as it might be, I knew the way to hurt Craig most was to become a miserable, angry, and bitter person. In fact, I planned to blame him for my suffering for the rest of our lives. I knew it would crush him if I held onto the pain and let it become my identity. For a while, that’s precisely what I did. I would bounce back and forth from wanting Jesus’ healing and a restored marriage to pushing against His healing and staying broken. At the time, it felt like Craig would be “off the hook ” if I received Jesus’ healing. It seemed so unfair.
I stopped actively cutting down the bitterness vines that were trying to overtake me and I let them grow. That’s when my blame game got good.
I blamed Craig for being the reason I didn’t laugh as much anymore and why I always seemed so “down”. I blamed the world for sexualizing women the way it does, and I blamed women for exposing themselves. I blamed my busy schedule for the reason I stalled out. I blamed everything and everyone for my pain and the reason I was not getting better.
Why the “no”?
We all have different reasons why we might actually be saying “no” to Jesus’ healing. Sometimes it’s simply because the mountain looks too big and climbing it seems impossible. It could be that unpacking the hurt is too painful. Sometimes you may even find some kind of identity in being the victim. It can seem so unfair. Whatever the reason, it can be hard to detect that deep inside “no” to Jesus’ question “Do you want to be well?”
Let’s look at just a few behaviors that may be reflecting an inside “no”.
1. Blame game
Let’s look at our passage in John 5 and see how the paraplegic responded to Jesus’ question…
John 5:7: “The sick man said, “Sir, when the water is stirred, I don’t have anybody to put me in the pool. By the time I get there, somebody else is already in.”
As I mentioned above, my blame game got good. If you find yourself blaming someone or something for the reason you can’t seem to get well, you may actually be pushing Jesus’ readily healing touch away. Blaming your busy schedule is one I hear most from women I have walked with during their heartache. If it’s not the kids, it’s work. If it’s not work, it’s school. If it’s not school, it’s a house project. Blaming your financial situation is a big one as well. “If I had more money I could afford therapy, then I could start to heal.”
Now, I do want to point out that in some circumstances it could be that you are unable to get well because you are still in an abusive situation. Abuse comes in many different forms. How can you heal when every day you are given a new wound? I am a firm believer that no one should stick around abuse, married or not. Sometimes separating can be the best thing you can do for your marriage. Your marriage can’t get fixed if you are not getting better. Jesus cares deeply for your marriage but He also cares for the individual person and He is not ok with you taking abuse. You are His child and He is never okay with His children being abused.
2. Sympathy searching
Now, as I mentioned in my previous post I am all for surrounding yourself with people who care and can help you on your journey to inner healing. Additionally, I believe having people to walk with you is an essential part of growing. However, what I am not for, is sharing your story in search of sympathy or someone to tell you how sorry they feel for you.
Do you find yourself sharing your heartache with people who are not going to help you? You can tell yourself that you are sharing in order to help process everything. But, let me tell you, sharing with the wrong person can push you back in your journey. Often finding someone who is in the same place as you can bring comfort. But, if that person is staying in their brokness it might be time to find someone else to help you walk this healing journey.
Find someone who is on the other side. Someone who has done the work and can encourage you along the way so one day you can be that for someone else.
3. Staying comfortable
Another way to detect an inside “No” is to take notice of your comfort level. Let me tell you, healing is uncomfortable, so if you’re feeling pretty comfortable I can betcha you’re starting to stuff and ignore….
Processing your emotions, and triggers is very uncomfortable. Allowing Jesus to take you to those hard memories so He can touch and speak into them is hard. Being honest with someone about where you are at can be very uncomfortable. The moment we get to a “healed enough” spot we can easily settle there because it’s comfortable. Our human nature searches for comfort but let me tell you, God has SO much more in store for you. It’s going to take getting uncomfortable to get there.
4. It’s not fair
If, like me, you are constantly coming back to the “this isn’t fair” mindset, you will have a hard time moving forward. This way of thinking is one I have to fight continuously. I think the hardest part is that it’s true. It’s not fair.
While I was lamenting to Jesus about how unfair it was that I was dealing with the consequences of someone else’s decisions, I felt a softening in my heart as He answered me. “I know Ashley, I know what that feels like. It is hard.” Yet again, His words smashed through the hardening in my heart and caused the soft to bubble up and stream down my face.
“No” turned to “Yes”
My attention was now on Him and His story. I began to recognize in a new way that it was me and my poor decisions that broke Him. My selfishness brought Him down to earth where He had to live each day perfectly. My bad choices brought beatings unimaginable to Him. My sin crucified Him. He didn’t deserve any of it. It was not fair in the slightest. He forever has holes in His hands from my selfishness. But what’s more, He rose again, He got up, and He took His place at the right hand of His Father. Now He walks with me, He heals me, He saves me and most of all He forgives me.
Walking
This awareness is what turned my inside “No” to a full and all resounding “YES”, and just like Jesus said to the paraplegic “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” I too got up and I walked.
I left the blame, the sympathy, the comfort and walked into His healing. Not because Craig deserved to have a healed wife and a thriving marriage, but because my Savior deserved it and He asked me to get up and walk. My debt is to Him and no one else, so when He asks something of me, the very least I can do is walk in obedience. He needs me healed to do all that He’s called me to. I owe it to Him to not stay broken.
That is what brought healing and once I said “Yes” the healing stream continued to flow. I no longer let brokenness be my identity. I no longer blamed, I no longer shut help out. I walked in my healing, holding fast to His vision for my life no matter how hard it was at times.
“Do you want to get well?…… Get up, take your bedroll, and start walking.” John 5:8
