The emotional roller coaster you find yourself on, in the initial days of brokenness is a fast one. In this post, I want to give you practical help and direction on what to do when those emotional waves hit you hard.
Whiplash Emotions
In one instance I went from carefree, happy, on top of the world with a wonderful marriage to an angry, hurt, burdened, sad, emotional wreck, with a marriage that felt like a lie. My mind was now saturated with paralyzing thoughts and the emotions were like a sea of waves pulling me under, only allowing small gasps of air.
I felt mostly numb during the first few days of learning that I had been lied to and sexually betrayed through pornography. However, I also experienced moments of feeling some kind of twisted relief. I felt as though a long-lasting load had been eased. The wondering, and questioning finally rested, and I was left with the hard truth.
In the beginning, I was taken back by the amount of empathy I felt toward Craig. Hurting me was the last thing he wanted to do. His soft eyes stirred with such brokenness for me. I felt his genuine love, and his deep desire to turn back the clock. Seeing him like this confused my distressed heart. I was broken by his choices, but I also wished I could remove my pain for his sake. Yet, nothing prepared me for the anger that effortlessly overtook me after the numbing started to wear off. Anger, rage, brokenness, disgust, embarrassment, insecurities, helplessness, and the vulnerability of being the victim.
Emotional takeover
The first few weeks and even months are a rollercoaster of emotions. I could go from being completely angry to almost forgetting about what was going on. At times all I wanted was to be in Craig’s arms, yet in a split second, I couldn’t even be in the same room as him.
Unfortunately, I have let my emotions get the best of me on many occasions. I’m not proud to say but there was even a time when Craig’s whole wardrobe was thrown into a snowbank in the dead of winter.
That burning rage inside easily convinced me that by following its nudge I could somehow escape the pain I felt inside. Nevertheless, the pain stayed put, only adding shame to its tight grip.
Cleaning the wound
These emotions can be hard to navigate, but there is a way. It’s not easy, but it’s healthy. This is not the time to stuff it all in and try to move forward. This is the time to process, especially while the emotions are raw and the wound is open.
We all know some of the basics of taking care of a physical wound. We clean and bandage a wound in hopes of stopping any more damage. Although the cleaning can be quite painful we know it’s essential if we want to avoid any kind of infection.
Our inner wounds work the same way. We must clean, bandage, and tend to each wound in order to avoid the infection of bitterness. If you leave an inside wound unattended, it won’t get better on its own. It gets worse, and all of a sudden an infection takes over every part of you.
They say “time heals,” and although with time the initial sting may lessen, I believe we only get used to our pain. We learn to live with it, find a place to stuff it and we don’t go near it again. We don’t like pain; our brains don’t like pain. Our minds will do everything to escape it and most times that means running from it. Sadly, you won’t ever escape an unattended wound; every wound needs healing. The good news is, there is always healing. No matter how old or infected a wound might be, there is always healing available.
I want to share my survival kit for processing these emotions and cleaning the wounds. Things I did that helped me survive, process, and begin to heal.
These emotions are real
Each emotion you feel isn’t you being “dramatic” or “making a mountain out of a molehill”. These emotions are very real and raw. The degree to which you feel isn’t a choice. But, how you deal with the feeling is. The only way for emotions to pass is to let them through. Before we talk about how to do that we first must understand that emotions are God’s design. Even the negative ones.
Being a Christian doesn’t exempt you from negative emotions. God created them. Emotions are what move us to action. Of course, as the good Father He is, He never wanted us to be hurting. He didn’t want us to ever have to experience pain. However, once Adam and Eve sinned, the world became a different place than what He had originally designed.
After Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead, He gifted us His peace to carry in this broken world. His peace is something we never have to live without. However, just because we have His peace, doesn’t mean we don’t experience “feelings”.
Don’t fool yourself to believe that if you just ignore your emotions or “swallow” your feelings they will go away. On the contrary, they will only wait for the next opportunity to pop up. So here are a few things I want to encourage you to do when you are experiencing a strong emotion.
Processing your emotions
1. Name it
When you catch yourself in a “feeling”, take a moment to pinpoint precisely what you are feeling. If it’s anger, go deeper. Anger is a secondary emotion that is always triggered by something a little deeper. At that specific moment, are you feeling embarrassed? Powerless? Disgusted? Deceived? Sad? Shameful? Confused? Lonely? Fearful? etc.
2. Question the feeling.
Be curious. This is a huge step that most don’t allow themselves to get to, mostly because it can be scary and harrowing. Nevertheless, it is key to processing these emotions. Ask yourself why and what? Your feelings always start with a thought. Explore where that feeling is coming from. What thoughts, pictures, or words are in your mind? Allow yourself to go there for a minute.
3. Write about it
The worst thing you can do is keep this all in your head. It has more power to grow in there. When you get it out, you allow your brain to process it. Ultimately you allow Jesus to touch that wound and bring His healing. Keep a journal in your back pocket, “notes” on your phone is your best bet. Like I said earlier, in those initial weeks there are going to be a lot of emotions and thoughts going on.
In those moments when you find yourself “feeling”, take out your journal. If you have time right then and there, go into it with Jesus. Ask Him. My journal looked something like this… “Jesus, all I feel is pain, I want to heal, show me what it is I’m feeling.” Give Jesus space to speak, sit there quietly, and take note of what He is saying and what is going on in your mind. Write out exactly what your thoughts are. No matter how ugly they are. He knows what’s in your mind anyways, so don’t hold back.
4. Talk it through
If you don’t have a mentor or close friend to journey this through, now is the time to start thinking and praying about who that person could be for you. In a future post, I will share some tips to help you find the right person to open up. I was very fortunate to have had a wonderful mentor and close friends who also shared my experience and helped me navigate through this trial.
I was also very blessed to have a husband who journeyed through this healing process with me. He told me regardless of what I was feeling at the moment he was there to talk, answer questions, and listen. He knew it would be painful to watch me struggle through each part of this, and answering my questions would be uncomfortable but he felt it was his duty to walk this brokenness with me. I am so thankful for his soft heart.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Note, these emotions will slow down. In the beginning, they change by the hour even by the minute sometimes. As time passes and you begin to heal they will slow down.
5. Cry about it
Don’t hold back your tears. Sob until your voice is gone if you need to. It’s almost impossible to hold the tears back in this first part of your healing journey anyways. I don’t know who enjoys crying, but this step should not be skipped. I know that breaking down and crying in your workplace isn’t the best option so if you do have to hold it in for a few hours that is ok. But, be sure to go back to that emotion that was provoking your tears and let them flow.
I want you to understand that there is a time for everything. It’s important not to skip steps. They don’t get skipped anyways, you’ll just be circling around. It’s also just as important to not get stuck in one spot. Ecclesiastes says it this way:
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:”
“A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4
You will laugh again, you will feel free again, you will love deeply again, and you will be whole. Walking with Jesus guarantees this.
Which one of these steps do you find the hardest? Why? Comment or send me an email.
To read about my story click here.
