When happily-ever-after brings out the hidden ugly.

The high school sweethearts get married.

September 7th, 2014. The happiest day of my life. Like most, I spent hours upon hours dreaming up each detail of my wedding day before my 10th birthday. I thought through napkin colours long before my groom had a name. There were even a few times my little sister allowed me a turn to be the bride instead of the groom, so I too could practice walking down the aisle.

What I didn’t spend a second considering, even up to my real-life wedding day, was the fact that there could possibly be deep heartbreak after my happily-ever-after.

Mine and Craig’s wedding day felt like the closing chapter of this long and exciting love story that started between us when we were only 13 years old.

A new world for this 13-year-old

I’ll never forget the day Craig messaged me on MSN (I may have just aged myself) professing his love…. Well, more like simply stating he liked me. It was the very first time a boy had ever told me he “liked liked” me. I froze and had no idea what to think, let alone say.

I quickly called for backup. My mom and Aunty Kristy (who was only a few years older than me) joined me at the computer giggling as they read the cringe-worthy flirt game of two 13-year-olds on MSN. They took charge and helped me construct a soft and very cliche let-down script, “Aww that’s so sweet of you, but I’m just focusing on my relationship with Jesus right now.”

I was in no way ready to be a “thing”. My cabbage patch dolls were waiting for me in the other room. My siblings were my best friends, and I was still taking my dolls for walks in the stroller…..What more can you expect from a homeschooled 13-year-old who had just moved to a new province? Yet, this unfamiliar fluttering in my stomach pushed me to add, “…but you never know what the future holds.” A line fed to me from my mom, yet, a line only ever given to him.

Young love

As time passed, our flirt game grew stronger. As a result, Craig took the leap again. This time we were 15 years old and much more mature (insert eye roll). Laying his heart on the line for a second time, he took a deep breath and with his exhale quickly uttered over the phone, “I like you Ashley, I really like you”. Bracing himself for my response, his tight shoulders relaxed when he heard my reply. “I like you too, Craig.” Thus began our high school relationship.

Like most, our high school relationship had all the ups and downs you’d expect from two dramatic and hormonal teenagers. However, our love for each other felt unique, we were best friends, and only ever wanted to be together. Our shared interests and matching humour launched us into silent belly laughs leaving our cheeks sore and stomachs on fire. 

Our chemistry was undeniable and completely magical. We were soul mates. In my mind, Craig and I getting married was the final chapter of our love story. The happily-ever-after if you will. Nonetheless, It didn’t take long for us to realize we were in a whole new ball game, and there was no manual to be found.

The hidden ugly…. inside of me?

“The first couple years of marriage are always the hardest” a sentence I heard what felt like a thousand times leading up to our wedding day. I was determined to prove everyone wrong. I was going to make sure the first couple of years were the best they could possibly be. On the whole, they really were.

We soaked up our “honeymoon” phase and enjoyed the moments of adjusting to living together. For a good stretch of time, things were light and fun. That is, until the bottle I stuffed my negative emotions in would explode, and the ugly inside of me would present itself. 

These moments weren’t new to Craig, as I had my fair share of explosions in our dating years. I was also well acquainted with these untrained emotions, and explosions. After all, many prayers were whispered by a little girl who couldn’t control her temper. Unfortunately, these outbursts grew worse and happened more often with each passing day. It was as if each explosion brought an added piece of dynamite waiting to be lit.

 In the end, my Hungarian blood became an excuse for these outbursts of anger. With each failed attempt to change, “Well, this is who I am, if you don’t like it you can leave” became my throw-in-the-towel sentence. I was an uncontrollable toddler with zero emotional maturity. Screaming, crying, throwing things, hitting, running away and just being plain old ugly. I literally felt like I had no control over my own body in those moments of rage. Ultimately leaving me only angry with myself. That’s when self-hatred began to dig its roots deep into my soul. 

Cover it up with a smile

I was supposed to be this Jesus-loving, God-fearing, picture-perfect, walking example of grace and love; bearing the fruit of the spirit. I tried to be. Since I was a little girl I had a deep love for Jesus, but this side of me I could never get control of. So, with a smile, I tried to hide this side of me, and forget it even existed.

At the time, I thought being a good Christian meant never experiencing negative emotions. I thought that walking by faith meant never acknowledging the pain, hurt, embarrassment, or any other negative emotion I had experienced in my life. My efforts to ignore negativity only worked against me. 

Motivation to change

It was about two years into our marriage and all I could think about was starting a family. After all, becoming a mom was all I’ve ever wanted, it has always been my biggest dream. When Craig and I began to talk more seriously about it, for the first time I started to feel more scared than anything.

  I never wanted my children to inherit this long line of short tempers, and explosive anger that others in my family dealt with. It scared me to think my future children might see me in my outbursts, and witness my childish behavior. As a result, I felt trapped. The calm and level person I desired to be seemed out of reach with each failed attempt to change.

This new fear I felt about becoming a mom and the mom I might be, brought me face to face with the hidden parts of me. The parts I tried so hard to look past and ignore.

Help! I’m broken.

One afternoon as I was sitting in my rocking chair, I couldn’t hold back the ocean of tears that overflowed from my eyes. For the first time, I let myself see the person I was. I stopped making excuses, I stopped downplaying it, and I stopped lying to myself. I finally quit covering it all up with a smile.  In that moment of deep and true honesty with myself, Jesus spoke five words to me that changed my entire life.” DO YOU NEED ME YET?”

In an instant, everything became clear. Up until that very moment I had never needed Him. I always took care of things myself. I loved Jesus deeply but I did the fixing. I’ve always had a lot of self-motivation and worked hard to follow the Word of God. I was praised for my knowledge of the Bible and for the way I lived my life, guarding my heart and trying only to do things that pleased God. I took pride in the praise I’d hear from church leaders and peers.

Finally, the brokenness of my soul was brought to light. His light, shining and exposing every part of me. Subsequently, I fell to my knees from this new realization, and my quiet answer grew louder and louder as I answered “Yes Jesus, I need you, I desperately need you. I cannot live like this”. The warmth of His voice overtook my heart. “Meet me here every morning Ashley. I will fill you up, I will turn your mourning into dancing.” With desperation, I grabbed hold of that hope and disciplined myself to meet with Jesus every morning. 

Is this really the answer? It didn’t feel like it.

   In those morning meetings, He asked me for my honesty. He told me that He sees everything so why bother hiding anything? I finally got real with Him and shared every emotion I felt. I would start our conversation as honestly as I could. Even when the only thing I could tell Him was how I’d prefer to be sleeping in my bed instead of sitting there with Him. With which He’d reply, “I am so happy you are here.”

 When I first started meeting with Jesus daily I thought He’d take me through a curriculum so to speak. Lessons I could tick off and exams I could study and ace. I was expecting Him to teach me what to do in those moments of failure. “10 steps to staying calm”, or “How to say goodbye to anger explosions for good”. Our meetings looked nothing like that. Instead, He’d just listen. He’d let me talk, and ask me to share every negative emotion I was experiencing. Some days I’d literally sit there silent for the whole 20 minutes, and yet even that silence brought intimacy, as I felt Him there “feeling” with me. 

I started to journal my raw emotions and our conversations. He’d always meet me right where I was. He comforted me when I felt hurt, He smiled with me when I felt relieved, and He took breaths with me when I felt frustrated. I can’t explain what happened in those morning meetings but every day brought a change I’d never experienced before. It was real, effective, and somehow effortless.

Falling in love again

Those morning meetings became more like coffee dates. I couldn’t wait to get down the stairs into my office. With my big blanket, and coffee. I’d sit on my chair ready for our conversation to begin. A little time every day brought me so very close to my Saviour and He truly became the air that I breathe. 

I became so reliant on Him. The more I relied on Him the more I needed Him. Every moment of every day.

In the beginning, I felt like a toddler learning to walk. I’d take a couple of steps forward, lose balance and fall flat on my face. My Daddy was always there to catch me, and with each fall I only became stronger. I would look back and think “Whoa, I would have totally freaked out about that a few months ago and now I actually feel empathy toward that person…”Only Jesus can bring real and lasting change.

Looking back now, I see a pattern. The places Jesus needed to take me and grow me. He knew it wouldn’t be long before I faced one of the most challenging seasons of my life. I know His grace and love pursued me in order to also equip me for the hardships ahead. He wanted me close so He could rescue my heart, and be my escape.

To Be Continued…

You may not struggle with anger, and you may not stuff your feelings like I did. But my hope is that no matter what you’re facing big or small, you simply let Jesus in. I hope you already feel connected to Jesus as you read this part of my journey. We all have a side of “ugly”. A side we’d prefer to keep hidden. There’s no one living on this earth that is perfect. So please never let shame stop you from looking up and realizing you are not alone. There is hope. He is waiting to lift you and show you the way.

I would love to have you come along on this journey with me. Here I am going to open up about real life. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I have felt called to show up here and expose the hidden but true in my own life and marriage to help encourage you. My prayer is that Jesus uses these words and my story to speak to your heart. Consequently, feeling Him draw you in as you begin a miraculous journey with the Rescuer of your heart.

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