Shattered in seconds
Staring at the wall, I felt completely frozen. I couldn’t move, for fear, I’d shatter into a million pieces. I never thought I’d hear the broken words that just came out of my husband’s mouth. Our past conversations made me confident of this. The lies I heard that I accepted as complete truth fuelled my blinded trust. After three years of marriage and a 5-month-old baby, my entire world fell apart instantly.
The love of my life came forward. Weak and scared to hear his answer, I asked, “Well, when’s the last time Craig?” My question was answered as I saw His head hanging so low his shame was tangible. There it was, my heart on the floor, in a billion pieces. For the first time, I had nothing. No silver lining. I couldn’t breathe, let alone utter a single word. After a long pause, I mustered up every bit of strength I could find and said “Thank you for your honesty, I need to go now.”
What now?
Trembling, I got into my car and started driving. While driving I tried to cry, but couldn’t even force one tear out. I felt completely numb as I tried to inhale what just happened. Finally, I pulled over trying to regroup and sort through what had just become my life. I grabbed my phone and frantically searched for someone to call. Someone I could trust, and who could help guide me through this unknown territory. I am so blessed to have had wonderful relationships with people that truly cared for me.
I called my mentor at the time, a beautiful lady from church who walked many trials with me before. The kind of person who easily asked me the hard questions, and pushed me to grow. She was a complete God send to my life, especially in my time of need. I don’t know what I would have done without her.
When I arrived at her house she welcomed me at the front door with a big hug, a big blanket, a cup of tea, and a box of Kleenex.
What?! Not my husband!
As I shared with her what had just taken place no more than twenty minutes ago, I couldn’t believe the words I heard coming out of my mouth. “Pornography.” What!? Not my husband! No way! After all, this was a conversation we’d had many times before.
For years I had asked him if he ever struggled in the area of sexual purity. His convincing answer stayed the same, and my naive self put full trust in that answer. How was I to know or to sense what he was hiding when this habit had started way before we got married? How could I discern the truth when all I knew were the lies he fed me in this area?
I grew up with one older brother and two younger sisters. Moreover, my family never talked about this stuff. The only thing I had ever heard about pornography growing up, was that it was a terribly dirty thing. That only disgusting, selfish, low-life men got into. On the contrary, that was not my husband, he loved Jesus dearly. He was a good man and treated me like gold. Oh, the confusion that set in.
Learning for someone else.. so I thought
A few months before Craig’s disclosure while attending Southland church, pornography had become a huge topic. I am so thankful I had a church willing to fight this battle by bringing light and truth into this hard-to-talk-about topic. Although, at the time I listened as if I was learning it for someone else since it didn’t apply to my life, nor did I think it ever would.
I was so naive to think my husband was the one man who never had a problem with such things. Since even King David, who walked so closely with Jesus, found himself trapped in his lust.
Jesus, always paving the way
Looking back, I clearly see my Jesus preparing me in order to lower the blow He knew was coming. Leading us to attend a church that was covering these topics was a huge part of that. At church, they started a course called “The Conquer Series”. The course targeted men who felt trapped in pornography. All the men in our cell group went together. Simultaneously, the ladies in our group got together to learn what to do when your husband comes to you with a full disclosure.
I vividly remember the group leader speaking to us. “Ladies, when your husband comes to you with a full disclosure of his sexual betrayal… yes, I’m saying when, not if”. I thought to myself, “Who do you think you are, you can’t say that. You don’t know my husband.” with an added eye roll.
After all, with this topic being so loud in the church you can imagine all the conversations Craig and I had about it. Still, his answer remained the same, and my confidence in that answer felt solid as a rock. To which I would reply “ Well, good because if that was the case, there’s no way I could stay with you!” Oh, the fear that would haunt him whenever he’d hear what I’d do if…
Time to get up
My dear friend and mentor let me cry. She let me be angry, and let me hang my head. Nevertheless, she didn’t let me stay there. “You need to go home, and put the ball in his court” she instructed me. Sharing her wisdom she went on to help guide me through this first step. “This isn’t yours to fix. Ask him what his plan is to get the healing he needs. Let him know what your boundaries are, and what the consequences are. Let him decide what he’s going to do, furthermore, make sure you don’t do the fixing for him.”
Still numb to this new reality that I just stepped into, I returned home and scripted to him exactly what my mentor told me. I knew I could not put up with any ongoing betrayal. This had to change. It was something I was not willing to live with. I told him that if he couldn’t get his act together while staying with us then it must be a lot deeper of a root and I couldn’t live with anything ongoing. He would need to go somewhere else to get the help and healing he needed. I was not interested in being hit any lower than I was. I respected myself and loved him too much to allow him to get lost in this —more on this in a later post.
His response
The response that came out of his mouth, came with deep desperation and complete commitment. “I will do whatever it takes for the rest of my life.” However, at that time, I thought, “We’ll see”. Since his words now meant nothing to me. I mean, how could they have? Every ounce of trust was drained at this point. It was proof I desperately hoped to see.
I am truly blessed to say, he has honoured his word since the day he spoke it over five years ago…
Health and healing I didn’t know possible
As I carry on this blog, I will be opening up about my recovery through this experience. Indeed, a trial I know many women have journeyed. I want to lay out the beautiful journey Jesus brought me through and continues to bring me through. A place I never knew existed, let alone possible for me and my marriage to reach. Significantly, a place full of deep trust and safety. A high respect for one another, and an intimacy I never thought could be. I honestly didn’t think we could ever get here.
Jesus brought us to a place that far surpasses anything we’ve ever had together. We have been through a great deal in a short time; financial stress, starting a family, healing from sexual betrayal, and much more. Jesus showed us the way. We didn’t get here overnight and we didn’t get here alone. However, we did put in all the work required, holding onto the hope only He can promise.
Before I close, I want to share an excerpt from my journal I wrote the morning after hearing of Craig’s struggle with pornography. As I started journalling about what had just taken place, and the broken state of my heart, Jesus took over. Through my scrambled thoughts and endless tears, He gave me a picture and a promise that carried me through. It was completely prophetic. Here is it, written as if I was watching it happen.
His vision for me
“There I was moments after an explosion. There was no warning, no countdown. It was like stepping on a land mine. The truth came out. The explosion of light that brought relief and healing to my husband only brought me pain and brokenness. Today, the day after an unexpected explosion, the dust settles. All I can see are pieces of myself scattered with not one part of me intact. Trying to muster up the strength to begin the clean-up, I realize it’s too big for me and the strength is nowhere to be found inside myself.
In that moment of hopelessness, seeing the mess and feeling the brokenness of my body with no way to recover myself, my True Love shows up. His tear-filled eyes meet mine. His deep and warm eyes speak of the pain and sorrow He feels for me. Yet, also the hope He has for me.
He bends down and begins to gather all my pieces. While He does I see in the corner of my eye the blindfold that once covered my eyes. It was slithering away into the darkness, scared to be seen by the Almighty. I realize such deceit cannot bear the presence of my Saviour.
With all my pieces in His arms, He carries me into His home and sets me down. He knows it still hurts, and the repair is painful. Nonetheless, He comforts me as He holds my hand and sings softly as He begins mending each broken part of me.
Slowly but surely
Each day that passes He continues His gentle work and each day brings a deeper healing. The tears of pain that once poured down my cheeks have lessened with every touch from my savior. The closeness we encounter as he washes each wound is something I’ve never experienced before. We talk, we cry, and we laugh together, as I journey through this recovery.
Caught up in this new world of love, I learn my Jesus is not just the forgiver of my sins but the Healer of my heart. The man who is worthy of my trust.
Full of surprises
He finishes His work and walks me to a mirror. The fear of what I might see forces my eyes closed. Taking a deep breath, and feeling His hands on my shoulders gives me the courage to face the damage.
When I open my eyes, I can’t believe what I’m seeing! It’s remarkable! A completely whole body, brand new, with no bandages, and no bruises. I searched for the broken pieces, and the familiar wounds I once knew. They were nowhere to be found.
There He was, standing behind me with His hands on my shoulders. Looking into the mirror with the proudest look on His face. With a chuckle, He said, “You are so beautiful, I did a great job.” He wrapped His arms around me, and I noticed His scarred hands. The holes in his hands screamed His love for me. It was Him who took the biggest blow and all for me.
“I have one more surprise for you,” He stated with the biggest smile on His face. “Close your eyes, and no peeking.” I could feel His excitement. What more could there be? He’s already done everything.
Leading me to another room, my anticipation grew. I couldn’t wait to see what His surprise was. “Ok, open your eyes!” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was Craig, but he looked different to me. He was whole, he was clean, he was confident, he was happy, and his eyes were so full of love. I looked back at my Healer confused.
It didn’t make sense, He was with me the whole time. “Where did He find the time to work on Craig?” Interrupting my thoughts, He smiled back at me “I’m full of surprises” He whispered.
Let’s get started
He grabbed my hand and with His other, He grabbed Craig’s hand. Craig and I looked at each other in complete awe, then turned our gaze back to Jesus. He walked with us to the door. As the door swung open He squeezed our hands and said “Now let’s get started.”
He is a gentle Healer
This picture is what I held on to through all the very hard times of this healing process. It was prophetic and straight from heaven. This was the hope that carried me through when I just wanted to give up, hide in myself, and take the “easy way out”. (As if there ever was one.)
I believe this picture wasn’t just for me but for each and every hurting person. The one struggling with their brokenness, and the one affected by someone else’s brokenness. I wanted to share this picture because it is exactly who God is. He is love, and He is a gentle Healer.
Jesus desires to heal you
No matter what you’ve been through, no matter how broken you are. There is absolutely NOTHING too much for Jesus. He desires to take you into His operating room and clean your wounds no matter how old or how dirty they are. He has so much more in store for your life and wants to surprise you.
Psalm 34:18 “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. That is His promise to you and that is why I am sharing my story.
Grab hold of His hope
I believe there are too many people that live with pain. We learn to ignore it and to suppress it. Others tell us: “Just get over it, move past it”. We don’t reach our potential and what God has for us because we have such deep brokenness that’s never been dealt with.
I want you to grab hold of Jesus’ hope and see yourself in that picture. Turn your eyes to the Healer. You don’t need to figure out how He could possibly do it, because you never will. He knows you, and He knows how broken you are. He’s here for it all.
I believe that my story is not just meant for me. I have felt so pulled to share what Jesus has done and how He led us to where we are today. It is not easy for us to share our brokenness, our shortcomings, or our failures; but both Craig and I know that where we fall short, Jesus shines bright. He does what only He can do.
We are in this together.
If your spirit has been crushed in big or small ways, I’d love for you to join me as I share some key moments and lessons I’ve learned along the way. We all have a story and I’d love to hear yours. Subscribe below and feel free to include a bit of your story. I’d love to get to know you.
If you haven’t had a chance to read the first part of my story click here if you’d like to catch up.
